This normal pause in blogging is brought to you by what I have finally determined is a Quarter Life Crisis. (Apparently, that's a real thing now, so I'm going with it.)
Granted, crisis may seem like a stretch to you who see/talk to me on a semi-regular basis. Rachael, you seem fine. You have a good head on your shoulders. You're not supposed to have it all figured out anyway... Oh, well, thanks then. That...makes it all better. Bitchy, I know, but it's how I feel and this is a blog about how I feel. (Welcome...)
I think kids (wait, what? why did I type that??) my age (i.e.on the cusp of 25, give or take a few years) have so many opportunities, so many options these days that we get overwhelmed. Hear me out. In high school we develop a state of mind that tells us that we have so much potential to find our dreams and passions and make a semi-happy, sustainable life out there....and then we are graduated, sent out to fend for ourselves after having our every need provided for. (Historically speaking, we've not had to work that hard...) Some of us go to college. There we "define" ourselves again with a major. We are confident that this sets us on a path, knowing that our future will follow. It has to, right? Fast forward, and we are graduated once again. Where's that satisfying career? Well, sometimes we take a job that pays the bills that sounds decent enough, and to be fair it isn't the worst job in the world (or even a bad one--hey, it's EXPERIENCE), and yet one day we wake up to discover that we're not happy after all. We're not unhappy, per say, but we're not happy either. Where did we go wrong? Aren't we at an age where we're supposed to start being responsible, getting everything figured out and how-it's-supposed-to-be? But no--we're out there, drifting on a sea of indifference without oars or a compass. We want something else, even if we don't know what that something else is or in which direction to find it. We need it. We crave it.
Most days, I'm a veritable sea of thoughts:
Why am I here? Because it's a job. Is that all?
Is this important--to me or to somebody else?
Is this something I want to still be doing in a year? Eh...
What about 5 years? Oy vey...
Am I saving enough money? Nope. Definitely not.
Will we have enough money to retire and live on? How do I even determine "enough" when all the "models" are different?
What about traveling? That is my main goal after all... (How do I get a decent paying job that pays me to write about traveling??!)
Living expenses are only going up...and our health will only deteriorate.
And, you know, we do travel now. Not as much as I'd like, but we travel.
Do we travel too much? Are we spending money on traveling we should be saving??
OhmyGod, I should never buy anything I don't need ever again.
Then, I can travel AND save money.
And then I go through a three day period of not spending money on anything until I curl up on the edge of the bed trying to find a way to convince myself that I really do just NEED that chocolate bar. And, of course, I suddenly see as plain as day that I'm ridiculous, acting like a child.
I feel that because Ryan got a job (!!!!) and we'll be moving to Roanoke in June...I feel that I should feel reassured. It's a new step--and in the right direction for us--but I'll have a fresh beginning to make all sorts of decisions all over again. Do I get a job to pay the bills, or do I try to find something I enjoy? Is going back to school the answer? Maybe take part time classes while finding a job--any job? Or should I just volunteer at several places that sound interesting until I figure out what I want to do?
And, let's be honest, we all know I want to work for Disney. If Ryan's really going to be travelling 3-4 days a week, then I could, too. I could just move to Orlando for 6 months. Work for Disney, even if it's just a summer job. Get a foot in the theoretical door... Work a quick serve food station or lifeguard just to be able to put it on a resume for something a bar or two up the next year. Or I could go be an au pair for 6-9 months. Go back to Germany. Live in Munich. The food, the people, the language, the mountains, the city...
See what I mean? There are so many options. Which bring me to another point. I'm complaining/having a crisis about options. Who does that?? What kind of First World White Girl am I to be a walking wreck over indecision?? Maybe I should just go volunteer in Africa for 6 months and learn what it's really like for the Real World...to do some good ministry work and gain some perspective.
Lord, I pray for direction. I pray for a guiding hand as we move forward in our lives. I realize there are others with more legitimate issues that need your concern...but I know that you love all of your children, and want all of us to be happy and serve you. Help nudge me in the right direction so that I can work towards that goal--for me and for you. Amen.
