The April-July Epic Summary

So it's almost August.

We left off in April.  I don't remember much of what was going on, but since that time Ryan got a new job, I quit my job, we moved out of state, I struggled with an out-of-the-blue bout of debilitating depression while searching for a new job on which I eventually gave up and went to work for Ryan's new company part-time.  That's the one-sentance-6-second wrap-up of this blog entry in case you don't want to read the detailed version below.

Right then.  You've been warned.

You may or may not know that my husband loves Magic the Gathering.  I've witnessed a multitude of reactions to that statement over the years, so this is your cue to react with shock/awe/confusion/curiosity/eye-rolling/hysterical laughter or some combination thereof.  He's a pretty good player--he recently came in 2nd at a smaller tournament where the 1st place prize was a plane ticket to Dublin for another larger tournament.  (Seriously.)  However, for the past year and a half, he's gotten into judging the game.  That's right, judging.  Magic has 6 levels of judges of which Ryan is a Level 2.  His devotion (and believe me, it IS devotion) to the game has led him to many great friendships throughout the years (he started playing when he was a teenager) as well as recognition by those who run the tournaments throughout the US.

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Small aside: those who create/make MtG (Wizards of the Coast--yes, that's actually the company name) are not those who run these large tournaments.  Wizards makes the cards and the storyline, but everything else is simply run by organizations.  The largest of these is Star City Games, based in Roanoke, VA, and our new employer.

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Landing a job with SCG was nothing short of a miracle--and I don't say that lightly.  Scott County was a wonderful place to begin our marriage while being surrounded by his family...but it also a backwards, stubborn, stifling black hole that we needed to escape.  Ryan hit a brick wall at work--a job that was love/hate to begin with became far more hate than love by end of 5 1/2 years.  I had no hope of doing anything remotely related to my interests or college education in a county with a population of 20,000 and 22% unemployment.  This job was out ticket out, and we have not stopped our prayers of thanksgiving since hearing it was officially his.  Since he had to finish the school year, we had three months to pack up, which ROCKED.

I was so excited about moving to a city--even a smaller one--that I threw myself into cleaning/packing/purging with vigor.  Every item I got rid of was one more step toward our future.  Every old t-shirt I donated to Goodwill was one step closer to a professional, corporate job.  20k, I told myself: my goal is a 9-5, 20k job that will be good experience for the future.  And so, we moved.  My parents and my brother helped us, and we couldn't have done it without them.  Our 26' U-Haul was a beast to load and unload, and Ryan's 600 lb. library card catalog was not moving itself.

June 1st found us in our tiny apartment in Virginia, utterly exhausted, excited, and overwhelmed.  No less than 5 organic food stores, a Fresh Market, four Krogers, two WalMarts, a TARGET (!!!!), movie theaters, two MALLS (!!!!!!!!!!!!), and my personal favorite, restaurants that will deliver food to my door!  Heaven!  After being home (read: unemployed) for three weeks, I was restless.  I needed something to fill my days.  Sure, lounging by the pool sounds like a great profession, but only after it's your reality for 21 loooooong days do you realize that there's got to be more to life.  No, seriously--there has to be or you're just going to go crazy.  Off the deep end, swimming with the fishies crazy.  Yeah, driving around the city is nice...but it's not fulfilling.

Now, I haven't mentioned that I began applying for Roanoke-area jobs the day after Ryan got his offer in April.  APRIL.  As of June 12th, I went through my email and counted 40 job applications I had filled out and submitted.  And I kept going until I couldn't find any more job posts for which I qualified.  (I'm currently holding at 48.)  I got rejection letters from every last one of them.  Every one.  For a fairly intelligent, grounded, mature, college-degree-wielding individual, THAT is one hell of a slap in the face.  I couldn't handle it.  Why had I gone to University?  Why had I bothered?  If a degree is the new high school diploma, what more do I have to have?

Ryan's company, Star City Games, was hiring, though.  Despite the recession, the gaming business are thriving--growing at rates unheard of.  Just last month, a tournament in Vegas broke a world record for any card-based tournament with more than 4,000 players.  It's insane.  So, to save myself from somewhere I never want to go back to, I decided to work part-time shipping Magic cards.  It's not ideal.  It's not something I'm passionate about.  It's not something I want to do for the long-term.  But for now, it's a job.  And since the company is growing, I'm hoping a full-time position somewhere in their Customer Service department opens up.  There are some wonderful people there, and sometimes the intelligence is extremely intimidating, but I've made some friends.  That helps more than anything, I think.

The grandmother and namesake of Lill, my bff from college, lives here.  Grandma Lilli is...different.  She's the most un-grandmotherly lady I've ever met in my life, and I absolutely adore her.  She's a chain-smoking, swearing, New Jersey native who retired from being VP of Marketing for Trump Casino and now resides in an old four-square home in the quaint Grandin Village neighborhood of Roanoke.  Oh--and she lives with her 110 lb Rottweiler aptly named Puppy whose favorite toy is an 18 lb bowling ball.  So I've spent some time cultivating that relationship as well.

Aaaaaaand that's about it.  I haven't had the heart to write about it all until now.  I've felt guilty and ashamed about the depression, and haven't wanted to be honest about it with anyone, especially myself.  Tonight, it feels cathartic to write, to just let it pour out of me.  Tomorrow is a new day--one filled with old Loony Tunes cartoons shown at an old theater for free, followed by the downtown farmer's market.  I'm looking forward to the next steps, even if I don't know what they are.  My current Bible study is centered around Job.  Granted, I'm nowhere near that burdened, but it's been extremely helpful and healing to know that God is there, that He does have plans for me, and that I am yet unfinished.  So I praise Him, thankful for the many blessings I do have despite my personal frustrations.

On that note, I'm going to go watch Mulan.
"A Girl Worth Fighting For" has been in my head all day, and I have GOT to fix that.

:)

R.

T-minus 30 days...

As of today, I have one month left at my job.  One month of my part-time, $8 an hour, wear-my-jeans-and-t-shirts-to-work job. One month until I am unemployed, moving to a new city, and terrified I'm going to have to resort to flipping burgers to make ends meet...or worse, random retail...or even worse.  I could be that new gal with a cardboard sign at the red light, ya'll.

Okay, so maybe that's a little bit over the top, but still.  I sat down and made our new Dave Ramsey budget for our income after the Big Move...and it was not pretty.  I've called all the internet providers in the Roanoke area, and the lowest I could find was $29.99 (for a measly 3 months before it jumps to $39.99) for 3 Mbs.  Honestly, I don't even know what that means, but those first numbers are awfully large in comparison to the latter number.  Just seems fishy, if you ask me...  We won't need cable or a home phone--I figure Netflix will have our TV issues covered, and our fancy schmancy smart phones better be as awesome as they're cracked up to be or Verizon will have another thing coming.

Which leaves me only one issue to resolve: grocery budgeting.  Our only current deviance from the DR plan is that we don't budget for food.  (Shame!, I know.)  Everything else is taken care of (utilities, insurance, savings, etc.), but we leave what's leftover to eat on as we please and float over to the next month.  So, how do you budget your groceries/eating out?  Is there a formula?  I mean, I'm not opposed to eating Ramen a day or two a week for lunch, but I'd like to occasionally eat out or grill a steak as well--maybe twice a month?  Let me know, if you don't mind.

Our trip up to Roanoke two weeks ago went well.  We signed a lease at an apartment complex less than 2 miles/5 minutes from Ryan's job.  Conveniently for him, almost 75% of the company also resides there, and conveniently for me, it's one overpass away from Kroger, TJMaxx (!!!), Lowe's, every restaurant imaginable, and THE MALL.  Yet another reason I am in desperate need of a job.  Omg, the mall.  It's been over 6 years since I've lived closer than an hour to a mall.  I'm not afraid of sounding shallow, ya'll.  This is exciting stuff.  This means I can finally use my "free panty" cards from Victoria's Secret.  I can take advantage of sales and buy in store so I don't have to pay shipping.  I can try things on before buying!  I'm ecstatic about just knowing it's there, waiting, in case I need something.

Anyway, let me introduce you to our new apartment complex: WestWind.  Sounds pretty, no?  And yes, yes, we do get the free iPad mini when we move in.  Don't know what we're going to do with it yet since I already have a laptop and Ryan has an iPad2...but we'll see what happens.  I suppose I could use it in place of my kindle...but I love my kindle.  We've selected The Meadows layout with brand new appliances for $699/month.  Not too shabby--2 bed, 1.5 bath.  Hopefully we'll be able to save money (granted I get a job...) and determine where we want to buy a house in a year or so--as long as Ryan loves his job.  I really love the old foursquare homes...with a porch out front...and a deck in the back.  Maybe in the Grandin Village or Raleigh Court area?  It remains to be seen.  Either way, I want to grow old kickin' it on a front porch of an old house, but that's a little further than 30 days away.

Quarter Life Crisis.

This normal pause in blogging is brought to you by what I have finally determined is a Quarter Life Crisis.  (Apparently, that's a real thing now, so I'm going with it.)

Granted, crisis may seem like a stretch to you who see/talk to me on a semi-regular basis.  Rachael, you seem fine.  You have a good head on your shoulders.  You're not supposed to have it all figured out anyway...  Oh, well, thanks then.  That...makes it all better.  Bitchy, I know, but it's how I feel and this is a blog about how I feel. (Welcome...)

I think kids (wait, what? why did I type that??) my age (i.e.on the cusp of 25, give or take a few years) have so many opportunities, so many options these days that we get overwhelmed.  Hear me out.  In high school we develop a state of mind that tells us that we have so much potential to find our dreams and passions and make a semi-happy, sustainable life out there....and then we are graduated, sent out to fend for ourselves after having our every need provided for.  (Historically speaking, we've not had to work that hard...)  Some of us go to college.  There we "define" ourselves again with a major.  We are confident that this sets us on a path, knowing that our future will follow.  It has to, right?  Fast forward, and we are graduated once again. Where's that satisfying career?  Well, sometimes we take a job that pays the bills that sounds decent enough, and to be fair it isn't the worst job in the world (or even a bad one--hey, it's EXPERIENCE), and yet one day we wake up to discover that we're not happy after all.  We're not unhappy, per say, but we're not happy either.  Where did we go wrong?  Aren't we at an age where we're supposed to start being responsible, getting everything figured out and how-it's-supposed-to-be?  But no--we're out there, drifting on a sea of indifference without oars or a compass.  We want something else, even if we don't know what that something else is or in which direction to find it.  We need it.  We crave it.

Most days, I'm a veritable sea of thoughts:
Why am I here?  Because it's a job.  Is that all?
Is this important--to me or to somebody else?
Is this something I want to still be doing in a year? Eh...
What about 5 years?  Oy vey...
Am I saving enough money?  Nope.  Definitely not.
Will we have enough money to retire and live on?  How do I even determine "enough" when all the "models" are different?
What about traveling?  That is my main goal after all...  (How do I get a decent paying job that pays me to write about traveling??!)
Living expenses are only going up...and our health will only deteriorate.
And, you know, we do travel now.  Not as much as I'd like, but we travel.
Do we travel too much?  Are we spending money on traveling we should be saving??
OhmyGod, I should never buy anything I don't need ever again.
Then, I can travel AND save money.

And then I go through a three day period of not spending money on anything until I curl up on the edge of the bed trying to find a way to convince myself that I really do just NEED that chocolate bar.  And, of course, I suddenly see as plain as day that I'm ridiculous, acting like a child.

I feel that because Ryan got a job (!!!!) and we'll be moving to Roanoke in June...I feel that I should feel reassured.  It's a new step--and in the right direction for us--but I'll have a fresh beginning to make all sorts of decisions all over again.  Do I get a job to pay the bills, or do I try to find something I enjoy?  Is going back to school the answer?  Maybe take part time classes while finding a job--any job?  Or should I just volunteer at several places that sound interesting until I figure out what I want to do?

And, let's be honest, we all know I want to work for Disney.  If Ryan's really going to be travelling 3-4 days a week, then I could, too.  I could just move to Orlando for 6 months.  Work for Disney, even if it's just a summer job.  Get a foot in the theoretical door...  Work a quick serve food station or lifeguard just to be able to put it on a resume for something a bar or two up the next year.  Or I could go be an au pair for 6-9 months.  Go back to Germany.  Live in Munich.  The food, the people, the language, the mountains, the city...

See what I mean?  There are so many options.  Which bring me to another point.  I'm complaining/having a crisis about options.  Who does that??  What kind of First World White Girl am I to be a walking wreck over indecision??  Maybe I should just go volunteer in Africa for 6 months and learn what it's really like for the Real World...to do some good ministry work and gain some perspective.


Lord, I pray for direction.  I pray for a guiding hand as we move forward in our lives.  I realize there are others with more legitimate issues that need your concern...but I know that you love all of your children, and want all of us to be happy and serve you.  Help nudge me in the right direction so that I can work towards that goal--for me and for you. Amen.

Habits

"Everything changes once you're married!"  I can't tell you how often I get told that.  I usually smile and nod, but honestly, not too much has really changed in my experience.  Some of my own habits have changed in the past year and a half Ryan and I have been married...but as a whole, our relationship seems pretty much the lovely same it was before we decided to legally bind ourselves to the other for the rest of our lives.  How have I changed?  For example...

1. I no longer have the whole bed to myself.  Most nights.  See, Ryan has Restless Leg Syndrome, which I never believed in until the past 1.5 years.  Now I wake up being kicked in the middle of the night and go to work with bruises on one side of my legs--the side I don't sleep on.  He also walks in bed while asleep.  Seriously.  I'll be in the middle of a lovely dream--you know, te one where you're eating bread and ice cream and it has NO calories? THAT dream--and I get woken up because from his waist down, he's walking.....  I can only hope it's part of his dreams--and that makes me hope for his sake that he's going somewhere worth it.  There are nights I just get up and leave, reveling in having the whole guest bed to myself...but then he wakes up alone, and usually with his feelings hurt.  "Why didn't you kick ME to the guest room??" he asks.  "Because..." I trail off.  Because, honestly, it's just nice to sprawl without the fear of getting beaten.

2.  I don't drink sodas and drink more water.  Not that I only drank soda or something beforehand, but it was in the house.  Now it's not so much that we're anti-soda...he just goes through 6-8 bottles of water a day--honest--and it's just simpler to not bother with them.  I'm not a big drinker anyway.  (HA.)  However, now that there's usually a case or four of water in the house at all times...I drink them.  So marriage has helped me improve my health.  Yay! for marriage.

3.  I eat more.  Okay, so maybe I was a little preemptive on the marriage making me healthier thing.  When I was single, I just ate when I felt like it--which wasn't three whole meals a day.  It was usually around 1.5 (lunch and something light for dinner), and maybe something to nosh on between.  Now, I eat at least two whole, heavy meals a day.  Which isn't bad per say, but it's additional....and trust me, my exercise hasn't grown proportionately.

This brings me to my new year's resolution: I'm not going to eat when I am not hungry--period, end of story.  No noshing when I'm bored.  No heavy dinners if I just want a salad.  I'm doing this.  It sounds silly, but I'm sticking to it.  Hold me accountable, peeps.  I need ya.

What are your resolutions?



P.S.  I interviewed for a job as an admissions counselor for the Academy of Art University in San Francisco last Friday.  I "passed" round one and had round two today.  Tonight they called pretty late (because the time zone is -3 hours) and freaked me out, but it was a welcome call as I've apparently made it to round three.  It'll be a Skype interview on the 21st.

Anyone ever Skype interviewed before?  If so, HELP!  I'll take any advice!